Meant for us.

you and Riley are 14 months apart,
and people are constantly asking me if it was planned or by surprise.
Yes, it was definitely a surprise.

I always have to explain that I was actually pregnant in between having Riley and you, and then I explain about the miscarriage we had.
Sometimes I think theres something wrong with me that I still cry over the baby
I lost.
Especially since I lost the baby right before I hit the 12 week mark,
but it still hurts my heart & soul.
I had just  seen my baby a week before, and then
laying there, having an ultrasound to verify the miscarriage, I looked at the monitor and that baby,  my baby was gone.
They told us we’d have to wait about 6 months
to try for another baby.
We weren’t trying with this one, and we decided we’d wait 2 years.

I didn’t cry when I lost my baby.
I wanted to, but I didn’t.
I just accepted that it was what God wanted.
Then a month later we found out that we were pregnant again.
With you Beck.
That’s when I cried.
I was so afraid to have to go through what we just did.
I didn’t tell anyone until I heard your heartbeat.
And it was the most perfect heartbeat.
I still listen to it all the time.

I wanted a baby boy so bad, and I knew, I knew you were my little boy I had been
wishing for.
When they told us you were a boy, I was so overjoyed.
We had your name picked out when we had Riley, so the minute I knew you
were you, I said “I love you Beck”.

Riley used to sit on the couch with me and talk to you.
She used to say “Baby Beck” & “My baby”
and kiss my belly.
My second favorite moment was when you guys met each other
for the first time.
And ever since then she’s been there for you,
taken care of you, played with you, and loved you with all her heart.
No one loves you the way your sister loves you and you love her.
No one loves her the way you love her.

I think my favorite moment was when I met you for the first time.
All I could say was “That’s my baby boy!”
I thought I had loved you so much before that,
it didn’t even compare to when I saw you.

It was until about two weeks ago that we were walking the dog that I realized,
just how special you are to our family.
You are one of the main reasons I believe in God.
He knew that I needed you, that we needed you.
You were meant for this family.
So if you ever feel like you don’t belong, or aren’t special,
I hope you know how much you mean to me.
How much you mean to dad, to your sister.

I think you are the most precious child.
You  make me angry often because you’re stubborn,
but you also have my heart in your hands.
Nothing beats your kisses and the way you tell me
“You’re my mommy!”
Every time we hold hands I melt.
I can’t count how many times I have to stop you when we’re out,
and kneel down just to kiss your face.
I’m still in awe that you’re mine.
Waking up next to your smile, nothing compares.
Even when you’ve taken over my spot in the bed.

Thank you for being mine.
For being Riley’s baby.
For being exactly like your dad was as a child.
I love how clever & sneaky you are.
I love that you think farting & burping are hilarious.
You have the cutest sad face.
Watching you grow out of babyhood breaks my heart,
but you sure are the cutest little toddler.
I have such a hard time disciplining you because you know how
to manipulate me, and make me laugh while I’m trying to reprimand you.
You have the best laugh, and sweetest voice.
I still get so excited when you tell me how much you love me.
You are always going to be my baby boy.

We are so lucky to have you in our family.
So undeserving but so thankful.
I’m seriously just grasping how we weren’t suppose to be able
to get pregnant that soon, yet we had you right away.

Oh baby Beck, you were meant for us.

This entry was published on November 5, 2012 at 10:30 am and is filed under Beck. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

One thought on “Meant for us.

  1. That’s amazingly beautiful and real. I’m at awe of your ability to capture so much with words and I feel honored to have read them. Thanks for pouring your heart out to baby Beck and letting us share in the moments too. I thank you and my babies thank you.

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